Voices on the Page
Are all humans born happy or sad intelligent or stupid and more to the point mad or normal (what ever that is meant to be!!!!!).
I believe that I, if not everyone is born with a good side and a bad side, which is reflected by me as the whole body and my shadow.
I was able to come to this way of thinking, as I would often think aloud, saying I donít like myself, and the more I said this the more I came to understand that I was the good me and Myself was the bad me.
I was told from a very early age that I was bad, but this I can understand, as I was bad, but far more important than being bad was the secret and the guilt I carried with me for a lot of years.
What lead me to think I was bad was the drink and if that same thought came now, I would be able to laugh it off at the young age of 46 years. However, it is not now, it was when I was a very sacred 5 year old.
Over a period of just one year, I was given alcohol and it lead to a stage where I believed I needed it, and not just wanted it, I was fed this drink but it wasnít a freebee it came at a very big price. Firstly, I lost my sexual identity, which lead to me giving up on my first marriage and my four sons.
For long periods in my life I would try to put the past behind me, but there were always things that would come up to remind myself of that time. It was some times a news report on the t.v or an article in the papers and I would always try to cope in the same way, by turning to the bottle and trying to put that old me to bed. For a long period in my life, the drink did what I wanted it to do, forget. However, when that stopped fading my thoughts I tried to run away, taking my second family abroad to live.
Going away did not work, as the nightmares/flashbacks were still there and so was the drink. So with only a short period of time away and more problems we returned home and the only thing that had changed was we had no where to live and no money or job.
But this lead me to the next stage in my life which to now, which I believe will be one of the hardest challenges and that was to open up to tell the truth and start to get help for my illness, and talk about my past as this is going to be the only way I can get my new wife and daughter to love and trust me again.
A new chapter begins for me now.